Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Go Away.

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Or why we always want what we know we shouldn't want? It's ridiculous and always leads to nothing but hurt.

I am sad to admit that I want something I know I shouldn't want, and know I can't have. I have tried to convince myself for months that I don't want this thing. I don't need it. No one else wants me to have it. Why should I want it? At least that is what I keep telling myself. It's like a nagging fly that I can't make go away; I swat and I swat, and every once in a while it disappears for a little while, but it always returns.

For a while I talked myself out of wanting anything to do with wanting this, but it changed. Imagine that. If there is one person that is horrible at talking myself out of things, it's me. I have tried and tried and I just can't shake this.

I hate to say, recently the nagging fly has returned. I don't know if it's the overflow of memories or just being at home alone, but the want is back. I, once again, find myself wanting something I know that I can't have. And I tell myself daily that I don't want this and I don't need this, but there is a little voice inside my head saying "if this wasn't meant to be, why is there still something telling me to hold on?" And I'm unfortunately holding on as tight as I can because I can't talk myself into letting go. And me holding on is hurting like hell. Can someone please explain to me why it's like this? I'm trying my hardest and still can't let go. I'm trying and going nowhere but possibly backward. I want something I know I shouldn't want, and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. I would just like this situation to go away.

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About Me

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I'm a small town girl trying to make a difference in a big world. I try to make everyone happy, even if I'm not. I think constantly, which means a lot of random thoughts go through my mind. I'm a little bit sarcastic, and by a little, I mean completely. I'm a sucker for love.