Go Away.

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Or why we always want what we know we shouldn't want? It's ridiculous and always leads to nothing but hurt.

I am sad to admit that I want something I know I shouldn't want, and know I can't have. I have tried to convince myself for months that I don't want this thing. I don't need it. No one else wants me to have it. Why should I want it? At least that is what I keep telling myself. It's like a nagging fly that I can't make go away; I swat and I swat, and every once in a while it disappears for a little while, but it always returns.

For a while I talked myself out of wanting anything to do with wanting this, but it changed. Imagine that. If there is one person that is horrible at talking myself out of things, it's me. I have tried and tried and I just can't shake this.

I hate to say, recently the nagging fly has returned. I don't know if it's the overflow of memories or just being at home alone, but the want is back. I, once again, find myself wanting something I know that I can't have. And I tell myself daily that I don't want this and I don't need this, but there is a little voice inside my head saying "if this wasn't meant to be, why is there still something telling me to hold on?" And I'm unfortunately holding on as tight as I can because I can't talk myself into letting go. And me holding on is hurting like hell. Can someone please explain to me why it's like this? I'm trying my hardest and still can't let go. I'm trying and going nowhere but possibly backward. I want something I know I shouldn't want, and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. I would just like this situation to go away.

I'm still me.

It's May 21, 2011. Wait...what? May 21st already? I can't believe this. It's been a whole year now. Wow. Time flies and things change tremendously.

A year ago yesterday I proudly wore my blue and gold jacket for the very last time as a member. It was a life changing event for me. My last FFA event, more than even graduation, made me realize that high school was coming to an end and I had to give up the very things that kept me going. The only thing that kept me from being completely depressed that night was the promise of the next day.

Starting Clean

So here I am. I've redone my blog...again. I think this is the fourth time now. Maybe fifth. But this time, I'm going for something very simple. Very clean. Very cute. I like my bow in the header. Anyway, if I can ever stop rambling, I'll explain some things. I'm starting over. Every single blog I've ever posted is gone. G-O-N-E, gone. It's time to start fresh (Of course while I am typing this, I'm just repeating "so fresh and so clean" over and over in my head. Oh the random stuff that happens in there...). I'm going to try to make my posts more worthy of reading from now on. And make them more me; to put it simply, Shelby. Let's see how this goes